How Faceted Are You?

Warm gentle illumination encompassing an annointing hue bathed my presence as I sat awating the start of Sunday's sermon. I do so love the jewelry store type lighting most churches have installed. Any gems I may be adorning myself with take on a special radience under those lights.
This Sunday was no different. Glancing at a ring I bought in the Black HIlls last May, my eyes were captured by its luster. The stone is light pink set in an antiqued white gold setting. What caught my eye particularly was the many ways the stone sparkled. Whether I remained still or gently rocked my hand, a flash of light was to be seen from some part of the stone. I could feel the Spirit of God nudge at my heart.
"What is it that intrigues you Beth?"
"The many ways this gem reflects light."
"Look closely and observe what causes that....What do you see, Beth?"
"There's many facets to this gem. At first glance they are not noticable. They only become clear under the light."
"Very good. Now, what causes the facets?"
"I'm not a jeweler, Lord."
"You don't have to be."
"I'm guessing they are the cuts made on the stone."
"You;ve got it."

As we continued our conversation, too lengthy to display here, I realized the lesson He was sending me. The beauty of the stone, at least by my assessment was due to the many facets available to reflect light. If the gem had, say 2 or three, they probably would reflect larger amounts of light at one time, but not all of the time. So true of our lives. How many facets do we possess to reflect the light of God? This depends on the person. These facets are made by wounds, wounds that have been polished by the jeweler. Unpolished cuts do not relfect light well, their luster is gone. So too those of us who have been wounded and not let our Jeweler polish those wounds.
We are afraid of being cut. It hurts, it alters our present state and holds the power of death. Yet, without them, we are limited in the way we can reflect the light of God. However, sucumbing to His skillful hand and eye, we may hurt for but a while, but once polished by His healing we are able to reflect light in dark places that a general cutting would not render.
The divorce I am presently traversing is by far anything but pleasant. It is one of the more severe cuts yet to date. Nevertheless, if I am patience and yield to His design, I can reflect the healing He gives me to others who are experiencing the same thing. As a matter of fact, before all this took place, I used to boast how I was one of two of my immediate siblings who was still married. I didn't proclaim this in a hauty way, yet I knew in my heart it was a boast of pride.
I am not glad for the sorrow that comes to all involved in such an endeaver, however, I am eternally grateful for this cut iin my life. I can see clearer to others situations in this plight and can repent of my self righteousness. I want to be able to be a healing agent in the Hands of God, not a curse, reflecting His light in as many circumstances as He desires. Hwever, in order to do that, I need more facets, so one day my Father can look at this gem He has created and have His eyes dance to the light reflected even if it is sitting still.
Ever and Always...Beth

Death of a Dream

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge; " Hosea 4:6

"No, it can't be, please, please tell me it's not true!" My heart wept this lament in continuous revolutions.

My book, a five year arduous at times, investment was gone in the time it takes the heart to stop. Mine did. "Ignorance is no excuse," we are told of the law. The scriptures resound this proverbial truth concerning our Heavenly God and His ways. Concerning my mishap, ignorance in the realm of computer technology was the culprit.

I find it interesting that the root word of ignorance is ignore. So, ignorance is, perhaps not a hap-in-stance sort of thing, nor to be taken lightly. I ignored the full directions of the icon that popped up concerning my jump drive which holds all the edited versions of all 35 chapters. I was busy working on other items, with other icons partially covering the jump drive window. I had read the window before and assumed the general information I retained was enough to make my decision to engage the program. Unfortunately it deleted all my files.

Assumptions, they are such hazards at times, yet reliance on them is strongly rooted by our culture and we as a people individually. Unfortunately, it has too much of a hold in my life as well. As a counselor, I have seen many lives ruined because of such inferences. Why is it we are quick to jump to conclusions without thoroughly exploring an issue and its variables? Obviously time is an element in this inquiry, but what a cost occurs sometimes in an effort to save a few minutes or seconds.

People have been killed by deadly assumptions.
"I'm not that drunk, I can drive."
"My kids will be fine in the car for a few minutes, I'll just run in and out."
"I've never heard of anyone being stollen in this area."

The list goes on. Sometimes recovery is possible, but believing it is inevitable is another deadly assumption. If I had taken the few seconds necessary to fully read the jump drive window, 5 years would have been saved. Would sacrificing a few seconds and a little hassle have been worth protecting a project nearer my heart than anything else I have done? My repentent heart cries a resounding "YES!" However, just as assuming is a mortal infestation at times, so is hindsight 20/20. Yet, hindsight cannot raise the dead, only Jesus can.

It is to my Savior I plead my case. I am guilty, so mercy is my only hope. Mercy has come but not as an easy out. The drive cannot be restored. However, most of the unedited form of the book was on a back up drive and a few accidently kept on my hard drive. Miraculously, the four chapters I had written over the weekend that were not yet on back up, were retrieved from the disabled disc. They were the only ones. Now the arduous task of piecing this work together from the many cubby holes chapters are hidden, remains before me.

I could complain that Jesus didn't let someone who has the ability to recover the original information, come my way, after all He does that sometimes. No, I'm glad He didn't. My flesh isn't too happy, but I believe a greater lesson is born out of affliction at times. The day of my disaster, I had been editing one of the new chapters here at the university and I could hear my Beloved speak stronly to my heart.

"Run off hard copies of all the chapters while you are here, Beth."
"Why Lord, that will take up a lot of time and I will have to run down the hall for each one I print off. That's too much of a hassle."
"Do it Beth"
"Why Lord? I can do it later."
"Just do it Beth"
"No, I think I'll do it later."
Ah, the famous last words!

Disobedience was the price of my convenience. Now, more work, more inconvenience. Yet I am ever grateful, not only for this lesson but the mercy granted to me....He could have denied me any access to what was left of the book. Instead he gave it back to me, at a great cost, a cost I ever worship Him for. He has also afforded me tool to deal with my disappointment and discouragement. They lie in the adventure logged in the journal previous to this one.

Thank you Lord
Ever Loving You...
Your Beth

The Dark Room

A most unusual experience has crossed my path this day, one which has tugged at something deep within my being.

Attempting to retreive last minute educational psychology case studies my students had turned in, found me on this cool Autumn Sunday, crossing the parking lot of the university to the building which hosts my office. An unusual array of large service trucks converged in front of it like a wagon train readying itself for attack. Sauntering around the convoy, a declaration of service work was posted boldly on one of the main glass doors, announcing all power would be declined most of the morning, rendering the structure void of any artificial illuminations.

"Hmmmmmmmm, think, Beth, think. How is this going to hamper your efforts to retrieve the desired studies?" I began mulling strategies in my head similar to a military officer trying to break through enemy lines. What began as a routine retrieval exercise became a mission. I do so love a challenge like this!

Needless to say, my journey to the uppermost flour, 5th to be exact would not be aided by an elevator. No problem, I thought, I'll take the stairs. Unfortunately, there were no lights in there either. Oooooh, the thrill of the challenge coursed through my veins as in the growing blackness I began my ascent.

Each level decreased any outside light that dared slip under cracks and crevases by way of a wayward window. The upper floors hold more offices and less classrooms, culminating to my floor which is a maze of hallways syncratically dotted with steel doors.

I now found myself inching my way through the solid darkness to the reamaining floor. I could literally see nothing. I held the hand rail and continued counting steps, 1 2 3....11, 1 2 3...11. It was funny, the everyday whimsical counting of stairs I did, now was questioned by my unsure mind. I would slide my dress shoe forward while holding onto the rail to see if there was a clear path. Now, I KNEW there was a clear path, I have been counting these steps for years. Yet, the fear of a fall in the dark caused my hesitation and reassuring movements.

Opening the door to the fifth floor found a small lamp lit (how, I do not know) in the middle of the hallway. That was helpful, yet only briefly, for my office was on the other side of this hallway where no lights were found. I selected my key while still in the light and rounded the corner. Oh no! Although the stairs were easy since I knew their number and sequence, my office was another matter. It's normal landmark, the large protruding clock midway down the hall hid stealthily in the darkness. Mathmatical reliance gone, a new strategy was needed.

Hmmmmmmmm.... I could feel my pulse rise with the thrill of it all. I had come this far, I wasn't turning back without my prize. I knew my office was on the right, so blindly I stepped out feeling the wall and doors as I passed. My office sits almost directly in the middle of the hallway, but that too could not be judged as I couldn't see the corridor's end.

First door, smooth, second door, smooth; third door, covered with various shapes of paper; "Ah, that one's Marjorie's, she has it covered with drawings and things from her classes," I thought. My door was two down from hers and if I was right, the next door would be smooth because that was Pat's. Excitement rose as the next door was smooth. Would the next one be mine? I would be sure if it was sloppy and had an accordian envelope taped to it. Eureka! I found it. The papers were there. Elated with my discovery and triumph, I decided to go further down to our main office where my mailbox nobley sits, in case other papers were there. They were and my excursion a success.

My descent to ground level found more hesitation in my step than previously. More chance of injury if I slipped or stepped too far. However, with each floor mastered, more illumination washed into the stairwell.

As I waltzed through the main door, I almost expected applause from the workers, seeing how I had defied their hurdles and won the race. However, they were oblivious to my personal triumphs, continuing with their own set of challenges. None the less, I was exhillerated at the adventure of it all.

Approaching my waiting carriage, metaphors flashed across my mind in hyperspeed while the still small voice of God whispered to my soul.

"Beth?"
"Yes, Lord."
"Did you like that?"
"I LOVED IT, LORD. It was so much fun."
"I'm glad, Beth, because that's how you need to look at life."
"What do you mean?"
"Did you notice anything familiar on this trek?"
I could feel hesitation grow in my heart, fearing something I didn't want to know.
"Like what, Lord?"
"C'mon, Beth, it's Me you're talking with."
"Yeah."
"Well?"
"It's similar to my life, isn't it?"
"Bingo! You win!"
"Why don't I feel like I win?"
"Because you want things to happen in your time, you are tired of waiting."
"True, so what does it mean?"
"You all ready know, but let me confirm it for you. I give you truth to live by, sure footing on this rough road of life to stand on. As you sojourn, light fades at times and you wonder how to get to where you need to be. At times it's pretty black out there and you stop altogether and become frustrated, sad, or even depressed."
"That's for sure."
"Well, you can use this adventure as a life lesson during those times. When you perceived the obstacles with your office, you didn't stop, you became excited. This gave a positive flavor to your next moves though they were arduous and dangerous at times, did it not?"
"Yes"
"Well, that is a good way to look at those desperate times when you can see no sure step. You took on this adventure with the attitude of completion, giving up wasn't an option. The strategies you formed were based on the truths you knew about the building, right?"
"Right"
"You knew there were 88 stairs in groups of 11 you needed to climb. You knew where the handrail and doors to the exits were. And even though you hesitated on those stairs, you DID know exactly where you were. Now, when you searched for your door, you didn't know how many doors to count, but you DID know approximately how far to go and what to feel for on preceeding doors. There were signs and truths given to you previously to serve as tools for this endeavor."
"I see where you are going with this."
"Do you Beth? Do you really?"
"Well, yeah, it's like the signs and truths you have given me for life, right?"
"Right, and..."
"And, those tools will help me through the dark times like the ones I have been experiencing, so I can find my way."
"And....?"
"And what?"
"Beth, you are a warrior. You have been in many battles and training sessions. You know how to stand firm, but you have done so at the cost of feeling. When you fall, you just get back up as if nothing hurts you, but after a while you become hard, numb. That is what is happening now. I sorrow over the pain you carry. The enemy of your soul is seeking to destroy one of the best parts of you I created, your heart. Beth, sweet Beth, I gave you this adventure so you could see the joy in it. There is joy even in your present struggle. Look at the challenge and meet it with the tools I have given you, the truths engraved on your soul. Let this pruning bring forth my fruit; love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. There are many who need the nourishment of that fruit in you. Let me produce it in you. But welcome it with joyous anticipation, not the weight the muck of despair brings. That only slows you down. Sing, Beth, sing again, as you did in your youth, for I am still the One who loves to hear your songs. So sing to me, my Beth, sing."
"Oh, Jesus, where would I be without You? The way you care so specifically for my needs and desires of my heart, is breath taking at times. Thank you, my Beloved, thank you."
"You are welcome, my Beth. You are MY Girl, always My Girl."

My Husband

"For your Maker is your Husband-the Lord of hosts is His name-and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called." Isaiah 54:5

"You shall esablish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God's will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you. Behold, they may gather together and stir up strife, but it is not from Me. Whoever stirs up strife against you shall fall and surrender to you......But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong." Isaiah 54:14, 15 & 17 Amplified Bible

I am reminded of this truth regularly, especially during these trying days of divorce. As hurts ensue through this delicate surgery, wounds exposed, and infection discovered; certain survival patterns emerge, as those opposed to the necessary scalpeling, strike out to ease their own pain.

After experiencing back-stabbing blugeonings, I am tempted to strike back. However, I must remember that where evil abounds, grace does much more. I am not pretending to appear innocent of allowing the enemy of my soul to manipulate my emotions. In other words, I have struck back at times and found this to be more painful to my own soul then everyone involved. Therefore, I am making a priority to not allow contention, vicious verbal retaliation, or any other form of dark hurtful volleying to continue in my home.

Hmmmmm? You may wonder, "How does one do that, after all you can't control the actions of another?" True, but I can control my own. Strategies that have been helpful in this area have been:

1. Reminding myself that the person throwing the darts is not the person I fell in love with, but the defenses of a frightened heart.

2. What is being said against me is not a direct reflection of who I am. God is the one I draw that assessment from, for He is the only One who is qualified to judge rightly.

3. I will always suffer attack of some sort, being I am not of this world. Thus I can learn in this situation how to seek God's face and direction and use the circumstances for His glory.

4. The accusing finger being pointed at me as well as the rash judgments of well-meaning others, belong to children of God, my brethren. They have a right to say their piece. I must look through God's eyes and not my own. For it is then and only then that my eyes are off myself and I can see their hearts. I do not need to vindicate myself, there is One greater who will.

5. Remind myself to pray for those who hurt me, specifically, that my Heavenly Father will forgive their actions and implore Him to not let any painful event like this one befall them, not even for them to understand.

6. And finally, I am reminded that the Creator of the Universe is my true Husband. He is everything I have ever wanted or needed in a mate. I am His and His words of love to the deep recesses of my soul, heal any wound that has been inflicted.

Sounds like a nice 6-step program, right? Well, as most things in life, it looks best in theory. Implementation is impossible. But then, "With God, ALL things are possible". This is the only way I can accomplish monumentous tasks as these.

He is my Hope, He is my Life, He is my Salvation. For of myself, I am but dust.

Ever and Always....Beth